Velo City Cycles

by MC

Okay, so you think you wanna try crashing, eh? You feel that you’ve reached that point in your development that it’s time to “hit the pavement,” “crash and burn,” “stack it” or “pile up.” Well, as you might expect, there’s as many rules about this as there are for the rest of this crazy sport we love. Read on for a primer so your next wipe out doesn’t finger you as a rookie to all the spectators.

Rule #1: NEVER take yourself out. The main goal of a successful spill is to be able to blame some other squirrel for the whole thing. Just hang around the parking lot after a particularly bloody criterium and listen to the commentary ‘tween the wounded and the unscathed:

“Dude, I was comin’ around him like he was going backwards and then, outta nowhere this moron totally moved into me!!!”

Or: “That tight bend at the bottom of the hill was kinda sketchy and then that a-hole dragged his pedal through the turn and took the whole break out!”

Or: “I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden we were on the ground. Musta been that jackass in the red jersey. He was way sketchy and every time I looked up, there he was!” Get the point?

Rule #2: Skin grows back for free. Never forget this. It’s way more painful the next day to contemplate the damage to the paint, bar tape or wheels of your pride and joy than it is to endure the burn of your new road rash! Your significant other’s complete lack of pity notwithstanding, a trip to the shop for new tape and a rear tire is one thing. Finding out that you toasted that brand new and oh-so-sweet Mavic rear wheel is something else all together. So give in to the impulse to sacrifice your body to save your paint job! It takes those little Italian guys forever to paint a Colnago and you don’t wanna hafta do it twice! Besides, as the t-shirt states: “Chicks dig scars.” (Apologies to non-neanderthal readers.)

Rule #3: If you’re not crashin’, you’re not tryin’! This is a bit more applicable off-road than on, but the point is the same regardless. Since cycling is all about finding your limits you’re gonna hafta go past’ em once in awhile to know where they are, yes? Let’s face it: the only way to know the absolute limit of adhesion of a new Conti tire at the bottom of Beeline Hill is to keep pushin’ it ’till you find yourself on your butt. The key is to remember that point from then on. (That’s the tricky part. Remember: if it was easy, everyone would do it!)

Rule #4: Non-cyclists don’t want to see your wounds. Believe it or not, they just won’t get it. To them it’s just a big gross patch of ouch on someone that oughta know better. Save it for the pub, the next race or the club meeting.

Rule#5: As mentioned previously, don’t expect a lot of sympathy. The concept at my house is that this variety of pain and suffering is self-inflicted, inevitable and therefore not subject to the laws governing pity or compassion. Don’t assume that groaning, limping or other outward signs of agony will buy you a break around the house. (Or from your riding buds. We’ve all been there and had worse!)

So there you go. A brief primer on how to – and more importantly, how not to – crash. Brought to you from someone that’s been there and done that. I’m sure you’ll have some questions, feel free to contact me through the club and I’ll try to clear up any confusion that remains.

Happy crashing!