Velo City Cycles

Musings from the Daily Commute

By MC

(First published on www.ActiVelo.com, an online ‘zine)

I get that a lot, unfortunately. “Get on the sidewalk!” or “Get on the bike path!” or “Get off the road!” I imagine that we all do, since we’re doing something that many of the folks we’re tryin’ to share the road with simply don’t understand. Better writers than I have written better articles than this one about how we might go about improving this relationship. This isn’t one of those articles. This is merely an attempt to record the semi-coherent responses that inevitably run through my head after I’m the recipient of the type of unsolicited advice that I’m using for a title.

That’s exactly what it is, y’know. “Get on the sidewalk!” is a request for a favor from someone I don’t even know. What it means is “Get out of my way, you are in my way, I don’t like it when you’re in my way!” Or maybe it means “I don’t care why you’re in my way, you’re just some weirdo on a bike and you oughta grow up and get outta my way ‘cuz my job sucks and I don’t wanna hafta deal with ya!” Okay, I got it.

Let’s take a look at this a sec, okay? We’ve never been introduced and here you are asking me for a favor. You’d appreciate it if I’d reconsider my mode of transportation or at least my location, yes? Well…when in your life does asking someone for a favor this way work for you? Is that how you ask your spouse for a boon? “Honey, go get me a Pepsi, dammit!” I think not. How about at work? No? Huh, imagine that. Well, surely it works with your buddies, eh? Not there either? W-e-i-r-d. Here’s a thought: maybe you don’t use that method of communication on a regular basis because IT WOULD NEVER WORK! Well, guess what? It ain’t gonna work on me either, buck-o. (By the way, if this is how you speak to your wife, co-workers and friends then you’re a wanker and I don’t wanna talk to you no more.)

Okay, we’re clear on that, right? The next time you would like me to vacate the roadway for your convenience you’re gonna play nice and say “please,” right? Right! Okay, next point: we are still strangers. You don’t know me, I don’t know you. As a general rule you have a far better chance getting a favor from a stranger when there’s something in it for them too. “Quid pro quo” like they say on the lawyer shows. (It means “Something for something else.”) You want me to get out of your way. Okay, let’s assume for the sake of argument and this article that I care. Still, what’s in it for me? I give you what you want, what do I get? Ah, I see. You’re offering me the chance to trash my tires on the gravel and glass-strewn “bike path”, a greater chance to be involved in a collision with one of your fossil-fueled brethren, a completely murky legal situation if that happens, and a chance to feel like and be treated like a second class citizen in my own town where I work and live and pay taxes just like you. Hmm, lemme think about that a sec…okay, NO DEAL! No way, no how, ain’t gonna happen.

The fact is I don’t give a damn about you or what you want. And I don’t expect you to feel any different about me. But here’s the thing: I’m not the one going around offering unsolicited advice here. Now, don’t get me wrong, I could. “Hey chubs, get on a bike!” Or, “Hey, Mr. Monster Truck, is it really that small?” Or, “Man, you really oughta break a sweat once in awhile!” Or, “Hey, all you folks stuck here on River Ave at 5:00, how’s about gettin your heads out and realizing that we’re gonna kill this planet (not to mention anyone that gets between us and our oil) just because you think you hafta drive everywhere!” See, I could do that, but I don’t. I might think it, but I don’t say it. I’m cool with you thinking that I oughta ride on the sidewalk, I guess. (We could talk about why you’re wrong, but that’d be a whole ‘nother article.) I’m just not in the least bit interested in hearing about it. Let’s just agree to disagree and move on.

Works for me, how ’bout you?